In yet another display of temporal hijinks, the United States is set to “spring forward” this weekend and move the country’s clocks forward an hour. With yet another time change, the entire nation will collectively lose sleep, patience, and the general will to function.
For most days of the year, time marches forward in an orderly fashion. Then, on one of two fateful nights annually, society engages in a bizarre, government-mandated time change heist. In March, at precisely 2:00 AM, an elite team of invisible bureaucrats will swoop in, steal an hour from the timeline, and vanish into the abyss, leaving behind only groggy civilians and confused pets wondeing why they are being kicked out in the cold morning air so early to do their business on the neighbor’s lawn. Later in the year in November, that hour will be refunded, but with no apology for the early sunsets.
“Where does the time go?” asked one sleepy citizen. To date, science has yet to provide a satisfactory explanation.
“Listen, I’ve been forced to deposit one hour into this so-called ‘savings’ account every March for my entire life, but when I get it back in November, there’s no interest, no bonus time, nothing,” complained local accountant Jeff Dobbins. “I should at least be earning compound interest on this. By now, I should have enough extra minutes to take a long nap or even use it to get to the airport so I can catch a plane. Instead, all I get is exhaustion and an unpaid internship in jet lag.”
America’s Annual Existential Crisis
The effects of Daylight Saving Time (DST) are immediate and devastating. According to experts at the Institute for Temporal Distress at the Academy of Special Sciences, the following time change symptoms are expected to hit the nation by dawn Sunday morning:
- Extreme Confusion – Millions will wake up disoriented, wondering why they are late for everything.
- Clock-Based Paranoia – At least 70% of Americans will become convinced that one of their clocks is lying to them. This is based on surveys that find there is always one clock in the house that never gets changed.
- Cleaned Out Glove Compartments: American will take part in the bi-annual tradition of throwing away old flyers and receipts from their vehicle’s junk drawer as they search the manual for the secret to changing their car’s clock. Some will experience the epiphany of “so THAT’S where that went” when they discover where lost flashlights and screwdrivers ended up. By rule, those objects must be misplaced again within three days.
- Corporate Jet Lag – Productivity in offices will plummet as employees collectively enter a fugue state, staring blankly at emails for hours before concluding that sending even one response is “too much effort today.” Forward thinking companies will secretly double the strength of the office coffee.
- Outrage from Pets – Dogs and cats nationwide will experience existential dread when their food bowls are filled at “the wrong time,” leading to mass protests in the form of prolonged, judgmental staring.
A Conspiracy as Old as Time (Literally)
Despite decades of technological advancements, the mystery of DST persists. Historians maintain that the tradition was originally designed to save candles during wartime, but given that nobody has used a candle for practical illumination since 1877, this justification remains questionable at best.
Adding to the controversy, financial experts are now questioning why there is no return on investment for all the time that has been forcibly deposited into the DST system. “If we’re going to keep doing this, I propose a 5% annual return,” said economist Dr. Elaine Porter. “At the very least, we should be allowed to cash out in years when we really need an extra hour, like before a big work presentation or the day after an annual vacation ends.”
Instead, the missing hour simply vanishes into the abyss, only to be begrudgingly returned in the fall—completely devalued, without even so much as a rebate. “I tried to withdraw my hour in July last year,” said frustrated time theorist Greg Thompson. “Now I’m permanently stuck in 2017, and honestly, the vibes were better back then.”
A Future Without This Madness? Not Likely.
Congress has repeatedly debated the abolition of DST, but no real progress has been made. The latest legislative session on the matter ended in chaos after lawmakers became trapped in a paradox, arguing over whether it was currently 2 PM or 3 PM. Speech after speech with only one or two other representatives present were given, all pointing fingers at each other for not solving the issue.
Meanwhile, the Department of Temporal Shenanigans (a government agency that definitely exists) has reassured the public that the missing hour will be returned in November, although many Americans remain skeptical. “That’s what they want you to think,” whispered a man wearing 14 watches. “The truth is out there, and it’s trapped in the lost hour.”
Until then, Americans are encouraged to embrace their fate, chug more coffee than medically advisable, and accept that, once again, the clocks have won.
